Language Matters: Do You Really Want Boundaries?

We hear a lot about boundaries nowadays, with boundaries being defined as personal limits that you don't allow others to cross. Obviously, I do think it is fine, in general, for individuals to have limits and to work to maintain those limits in their interactions with others. But in practice, I see people working hard to determine what their personal boundaries are and then setting them in the metaphorical stone, sort of forever there working hard to limit their relationships.

I feel that these stone boundaries work both to undermine community care, and to limit intimacy, connection, and growth in our closest relationships. Boundary is a divisive term, and in popular culture, people are encouraged to come up with a list of boundaries, when maybe they don't even have strong feelings about any particular limits. Too many firm boundaries are likely to lead to an environment that is hostile to collaboration, and collaboration is the foundation of high-quality, long-term relationships.

On the other hand, I do understand that some people have trouble asserting themselves, and that boundaries help them feel in control so that others can't walk all over them. This is likely the case for many of us if not most of us. So what options are there to help one avoid being mistreated while still allowing for the flexibility that is required in building strong relationships and networks of community care?

I like to focus on the Five Cs: Communication, Capacity, Comfort Zone, Connection, and Collaboration.

First, by using communication you can express your needs and feelings. Many, many boundaries are set to protect one's needs and feelings, but it is better to give others an understanding of just what those needs are. People are much quicker to behave the way you want them to if they know the whys. No, you don't owe strangers lengthy explanations for your desires, but if you just shut down all the way and with a simple "this is my rule," it's unlikely to to result in any growth or change on anyone's part. Communicate with flexibility, even if your communication is simply that it isn't something you're willing to talk about in the moment.

Next, consider your capacity. Boundaries set when you are stressed tend to be harsher than necessary. Your capacity in every area varies from day to day and week to week and year to year. Telling others that you usually don't have the capacity to give rides to people on work nights is better than saying that you have a boundary to never give rides to people on work nights. Get use to saying, "that's beyond my capacity right now." It sets a limit, but it doesn't mean that limit is forever.

Comfort zone is a little different than capacity. Your comfort zone includes the things you are typically OK doing. For example, it might be outside your comfort zone to talk about death. So if you are a boundary user, you might stretch this to a boundary, saying you don't talk about death. The problem with this is that it is good to sometimes stretch outside of our comfort zones. Not every day. Not when you are at a low capacity for just about anything. Not when you are overly tired or stressed, but sometimes. If you have boundaries around issues that are really just outside of your comfort zone, you're definitely going to miss out on growth and intimacy opportunites, and also likely some fun!

Fourth, look at activities in terms of the connections they can build. Sometimes allowing someone to move past that place where we previously had a boundary will result in connections that wouldn't otherwise be possible. This is frequently true with our kids and our partners, but it can also be true with acquaintances. I really don't like spending the night at other people's houses, but with the right person, I know this would likely lead to connection between us and the start of a closer relationship to give me a richer life.

Lastly, there is collaboration. As I said earlier, the way to cement any relationship is through collaboration. If you are having an issue that you initially think is a lack-of-boundaries issue, communicate with the other person and work to collaborate together to come of with a solution that is win-win for both of you.