Some of my biggest autistic challenges are executive dysfunction & autistic inertia. Executive dysfunction is when tasks that neurotypicals find rather simple, like a single unit (taking a shower, making a sandwich), are translated by my brain into a hard-to-remember series of each-rather-difficult tasks. And even at the age of 55, they still haven't coelesced into unity, so every time I do them it is like I am learning them again. Autistic inertia is the tendency to stay in whatever I am doing because I don't have a clue how to transition. When am I suppose to stop and change tasks? What will that look like? Is the next task going to be too hard or too boring (even if the task I am actually doing is too hard or too boring!)?
These stuggles affect me in a lot of different ways that might look to others like laziness or depression or anxiety or aloofness or apathy.
Many people with autism struggle with executive dysfunction and autistic inertia, and therefore, there are many coping techniques, that have been tested by other autists, to try to help me function better. These include schedules, routines, games, charts, alarms, helpers, checklists, logs, and planners! Just writing those out makes me anxious, because in my case, none I have tried have really helped me cope better for more than a couple of weeks at a time.
Fact, I don't like change. This makes it look on the surface that I'd love some good routines or even a schedule. And sometimes it works. I think I do like the idea of maybe "walk on Wednesdays", "sex on Saturdays", things like that. But, sometimes, the routine or schedule starts to feel like rules. OK, right away, always, routines and schedules start to feel like rules. That creates this anxious, claustrophobic feeling inside me, like I don't have any real freedom, even if I am the one who wrote this plan from scratch! I start to feel like there are other things I want to do that I can't ever do because of my routine.
Recently, I made a simple routine, that I created basically out of things I do like to do. I chose patterns that I was already basically following, and I kept the routine up for an extended period of time. (I believe well over a month.) I sort of liked it, but every day I was having the claustrophobic anxiety. In my opinion, if it doesn't go away in over a month, it isn't likely to go away. (It was getting worse. That is how it usually is.) I don't like choosing to follow a plan that gives me anxiety. That is counterproductive in my opinion. It doesn't really make my life better.
This year, I set out to live more intentionally. Choosing the things I really want to do to have a life that leads to me being more content. But the fact is that when I have autistic inertia, the decision-making process is extremely difficult. Living the the way that most people would consider intentionally, also leaves me feeling continually anxious because there are just too many decisions each day, and every single one is so very hard and feels like such a big responsibility.
And here we are at the crux of it, intentionality and freedom fail to meet my needs, & routine and schedule also fail to meet my needs, so I am always flailing! I keep thinking that there has to be a solution. I talk to my partner, I talk to my daughter (who lives with us), but no one can help me. I started writing this post, hoping that it would lead to a solution, but I think it isn't coming here either, but I do know that I am ready to try yet another routine or list of sorts, because it isn't going good right now. That is a fact.
And yet, I am eternally optimistic.
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