Food Issues

I feel like I ate a really big lunch, but it is 90 minutes later, and I feel hungry or thirsty. 

I have been having some sort of pain or discomfort, which feels like inflammation (it is periodic, it involves swelling) in my gastrointestinal track, mostly my stomach. It is sort of like a gallbladder attack, but not exactly like I've had them before. Certainly not as painful in any way! (I can still function relatively normally through these episodes.) These episodes seem to somehow be related to my food intake, and eating what I call "sensibly" seems to keep them in check. So the obvious solution is to eat sensibly, but I am not a person who has a longterm, great relationship with eating sensibly. And while I'm figuring this out, I often find myself hungry, yet afraid to eat.

Interlude

 My daughter who lives with me has gone on a trip for a little more than 2 weeks. 

I call it my crying time. My singing time. My remembering time.

It is wild to think how much I mask. I think sometimes how I learned to mask, as a very, very young child. And how no one saw me. It is OK. I am not judging. My parents saw me better than I think many others would have, but my teachers! Those women I spent 5 or 6 hours of my day with. I had no relationship with any of them. They did not see me. I was blessed that all of my teachers, at least grades K-4, were kind, but they had a lot of students, and teachers aides did not seem to exist in those days, and some of the kids were really disruptive. I was never disruptive. I rarely had any troubles with my studies so I watched and I learned to try hard, hard, hard to suss out the rules. If you couldn't get the rules, something bad could happen to you. That is how I learned to mask. 

I love singing. 

I love living here in our little home of three.

But having these weeks for crying and remembering, and singing every single feeling I have at the top of my lungs, it is a good time.

I am thankful for it.

Tolerance for Emotions

It has only recently come to my understanding that most people have very little tolerance for any emotions that are perceived in the slightest way as being negative or even not obviously positive.

Emotions come to all of us in many ways for many reasons every day, even every hour. Having a rich emotional experience is important to me. I am autistic. During my childhood and young adult years, I was not in touch with most of my emotions. I had anger. I had happy. Otherwise, I seemed to be in a dissociative state of working to push everything down. By the time I was a teen, I knew to smile, because when you smile, people are more likely to like you and to interact with you positively. Smiling wasn't exactly natural to me though.

I have noticed that if I express any minor negative emotion online, people want to help or fix me. But it is just part of the emotional landscape. Now, that I don't dissociate so much and am actively working not to mask, I welcome all of my emotions. I know how to let them wash over me. I know how to move from one thing to the next. I can't always catch them or name them, but I like feeling! And in general, I can handle my personal emotions pretty well as they arise.

Unfortunately, I am the type of autistic that is in tune heavily with other people's emotions, and those are a whole nother story. Other peoples emotions can feel like I'm being pounded. Even positive ones on occasion sink me with the overwhelm. When I am in intensely emotional situations with others, I work to separate myself by moving into another environment or actively dissociating until I can exit the situation. This can be hard for people to understand. This is a common trigger for meltdowns for me.

On the other hand, those same people who can exude waves of heavy emotions don't want me to ever feel anything negative. How can I have joy and gratitude for the good in the now if I haven't known the sad? How can I be motivated to fix problems if I haven't experienced righteous anger? How boring would life be if I was always walking around in a mild-mannered content. How exhausting life would be if unbridled ecstasy was the default.

I think we might all have better lives and relationships if we were more honest about our emotional landscapes and more tolerant of less-than-perfect happiness in ourselves and others.

Snow!

We had snow this morning. It was our first blustery walk of the year. Now I am chilly and enjoying being alive. I have already planned next week's menus and written the grocery list - I just have to transfer it over to Keep.

Song in my head when I awoke this morning: American Bitch by Olivia Rodrigo

On the breakfast plate: White chocolate macadamia Cliff Bar, coffee-flavored coffee with cream

Chores I hope to accomplish today: Some bathroom cleanup

Exciting adventure in the works: A zone-2 walk sometimes soon in the snow!

On the dinner plate: Meatloaf, mashed rutabaga, steamed carrots 

2023 in a nutshell... a very big nutshell

January was New Year's Day brunch at Jenny's & a very cold trip to the zoo, when we didn't see the eletwins but did do winter seed sowing of lupines. Dinosaurs were drawn. We made vision boards and a cool custom calendar with Rob & Shelly!

February included attending service at May Memorial UU Church and seeing Lia's art after in the social hall while enjoying tacos for first Sunday lunch! We celebrated Valentines with our traditional heart-shaped pizza, plus we attended Jenny's Valentine's party. There was a gaming day at Rob & Shelly's with new games, and we participated in Tone's Cones Mid-Winter Frenzy. Don't want to forget the Soup Supper I hosted with SO many people!!!

March saw the grandkids sleeping over and a big group luncheon at the Dinosaur on parade day. We test drove some used cars, including a hybrid Toyota Avalon, and visited Michael & Ollie in Stockbridge with some Dominos.

In April, the grandkids came again, for 3 nights this time, with ice cream at Bevs & a visit to the Fulton teen playground as highlights of the longer stay. Easter lunch was enjoyed at Jenny's. We also bought a large bag of books at the Liverpool book sale and played Pokemon Go with Rob & Shelly.

May saw Kuromi's dance recital from the front row of JD highschool and a trip to the zoo with Grandma Marti, during which the eletwins were seen! Rob & Shelly came for dinner again, and I visited my dad for the second time since my mom died September 2022.

June excitement included an Ed Sheeran concert courtesy of my daughter JoAnn along with an overnight in Philidelphia. A mama bunny decided to nest her kits right below our front window! Benji & Kuromi had another single overnight at our house, and Diana went to Rudy's for lunch with her mom. We brought in the solstice with a bonfire gathering with traditional foods, and went up to the lake for a remembrance ceremony for Joseph. Snow & I bought new summer clothes!!!

In July, our car died right before a BBQ at Ralph's, but we were blessed with Blutoo, who is just right for us. Snow went with sibs to NYC & RTX. We did our traditional turkey bbq eating at Mexico Point state park, and went to two parties at Green Lakes state park: one for Marti's 75th & one for JoAnn's 27th. There was takeout Pizza Hut pizza & Wegmans cake for Snow's b'day.

August brought Barbenheimer plus the Fall Out Boy concert at Darien Lake. We overnighted in Lockport proceeding a meetup with Vee at the Lockport community market. Kuromi & Benji's had a birthday party at home (12 & 14), and Marti came to visit and watched Diana garden. There was a Fair Haven picnic & swim with JoAnn, Lia, & Alexa as well as another trip to the zoo, this time with JoAnn & Snow.

September was the annual Southwick gathering and a fun visit to Jaie & Henry's place in the Adirondacks. We missed the Munson Steamrollin' Prints 2023 event but made it to the reception to see Michael & Oliver's gorgeous print. JoAnn joined us, and pizza followed. There was Pagan Pride and another meetup with Rob & Shelly for Pokemon Go. The month ended with our Kinzua vacation, when we saw the railroad bridge, the dam, and explored the Allegheny National Forest.

In October we took a trek on Oswego's westside Riverwalk. Grandma Marti visited for a quiche & salad lunch plus The Birdcage on the TV. Benji & Kuromi had a four night stay with so much adventure: natural playgrounds, petting zoos, fast food, lighthouses, walking, walking, walking, and so much more! Diana dressed as a scene kid for Halloween.

During November, Jenny & Aaron took us to the Texas Roadhouse for dinner. We did Thanksgiving at Emma's and went to the Oswego treelighting.

December brought the Festival of Light with Christmas tree shopping at Austin Christmas Tree Farm right after Jenny's fabulous Christmas party. Diana took some time off work, and we went to family dinner. Rob & Shelly came for a long afternoon of lunch and gaming. Emma took me on a shopping trip, and we got in the holiday spirit with hot cocoa and fried dough at Demon Acres Deck the Halls. There was Ralph's Christmas Eve party, a wonderful Christmas day here, and a New Year's eve blast with charcuterie provided by a cheeseful shopping spree.

Holiday Vibes

Today I am 56 and a half plus a wee bit more years old. It feels long to me, my life. I don't remember my past as vividly as I did in the past. But in a way, that makes it seem even longer, streaming out in back of me.

Recently, I have been able to sense Diana's aura. That is new to me. I often wondered if sensing that energy would some day come to me, considering other things about how I perceive the world. And it has, at least for a bit, but I think it likely it will continue.

I like to go outside. I like to be outside. I like to walk outside. I am remembering how to allow myself to be OK when cold. I am remembering how to breathe naturally and easily, and how to walk naturally and easily. I'm not there quite, but I am remembering and relearning little by little.

I sprained my toe the day we got our Christmas tree, and it still hurts. It is my littlest toe on my right foot.

I am more and more losing my ability to people. I am not sure where that is going, but it seems in conflict with my desire to foster/build community.

Happy Holidays!

We got a tree at the discount tree farm, and I am loving it without any guilt about having over spent! In other news, that same day I sprained my little toe, and I am still feeling some pain and discomfort. I am enjoying the holiday season. The weather hasn't been too snowy or cold. I am not too busy or bored.

Tonight I am having dinner at my sister's house! On Saturday, my friends Rob & Shelly are visiting for lunch and games. Next week, I am hoping to go to a light display with a wagon ride, santa, and a giant bonfire! Merry Christmas & a very blessed yule to all!

Fa la la la la!

 

Christmas fast approaches. Now to enjoy every moment of this festive season!

Christmas in Oswego

Went to Oswego tree lighting. I had fun. The fireworks were pretty good! The movement and temp felt good. The crowds weren't too big. Excellent overall.

Song in my head when I awoke for 2 mornings in a row: New York by St. Vincent

Holiday Time

Thanksgiving. It happened. The menu was turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, marshmallow topped yams, brussels sprouts & parsnips, assorted pies, ice creams & toppings, relish tray, deviled eggs, and assorted cranberry sauces.

All my kids and gift kids were there. It was fun. Benji won Super Smash Bros and Hilary was a close contender.

Now, I am tired. I'm once again dealing with random hip pain (nerve pain? bursitis?) It is groin side, left leg.

I love my family. I love my home. But I *am* tired! (I am getting over a fairly bad or at least extended cold too. Illness history: Cold - 11/2023, Cold - 9/2022, Influenza - 12/2018.)

It's Been Icy

This week we'll be growing our home tool collection by one impact driver. I am also getting myself my dream calendar for next year. (None of this tiresome crafting stuffs!) And I'm getting Diana a mixed-media sketchbook that she has liked during the past. We need to stock up on bird seed and suet (the birds are so hungry!) We also need to stock up on batteries!!! (At Christmas time the need is huge!) And as usual, I *am* worried about money. Will I ever be a person who can lay that concern aside? I know not if it will come true, but I hope so, and I always strive. Will I ever be a person who can just be and stop striving. I hope so, but alas, I am not there yet!!!