Sometimes life feels like a neverending walk in the rain

There use to be websites on the internet (of course) that were helpful to me in my life. They were highly useful in so many ways. But the content volume has drastically increased, while the helpfulness of various websites has significantly decreased. This is partly because of rampant commercialism. I would actually say this is mostly because of rampant commercialism, but it also feels deeper. 

In the early days of the web, I think people had a reason for creating content. They really thought about their mission beyond simply making money. For example, sites were clearly focused on things such as sharing the best recipes of home cooks or connecting people doing similar things. Now, I can clearly see that every website has a money-earning main drive. 

Note, I do realize that something can't survive without an income at least to cover expenses. I have never been one to eschew advertising on free websites. Also I realize that sometimes things grow fast and everything can quickly get out of control, moving the focus from the original game plan. But in the end, power corrupts, and having lots of money or the dream of lots of money can feel really, really powerful.

That's my rant for the moment.

Lately the weather has been less than ideal for humans wanting to go outdoors on adventures. Diana and I did manage a short & brisk walk along the Oswego River on Wednesday, but my quick and regular jaunts out onto our yard seem to have ended. This is not the ideal happy state for me. It is hard to do the things that are the ideal happy state for me because I get caught up in my own mind, and get in my own way with schedules and routines and odd tasks that aren't required by anyone but my own mental police who I desperately want to destroy.

Back to that rant: I also hate the algorithms driving the content I manage to access. I can no longer keep my news feed varied, useful, and relevant. New music recommends have become stale, even with my varied tastes and listening patterns. Even advertising is horribly predictable. I think I'll have to have my daughter help me pull out of the permissions that drive these algorithms, but in the end, the solution I see in my soul is way less general time online.

Today is laundry day. Also, we are going to Taco Bell for dinner. I think I will decide what I am having ahead of time to reduce my anxiety.

I have trouble with the finishing with things. I feel this excrutiating emotion before I get done, which my kids have taught me is boredom. I feel like I have to get out of my own way and get on with life? But I feel like that isn't right either. But while I am so wishy-washy, life is happening!

But which is more important: mowing the yard or relishing in the beauty that is the dandelions spotting the gorgeous spring growth of green, green grass? What is more important: supervising the removal of the laundry room floor or immersing myself in a book that makes me laugh out loud with joy and sink into a haze of knowing comfort? I don't know. That is the problem. And I suppose it is all mixed up and not always the same and that is life. Messy. Chaotic. Loving. Sad. Despairing. All of it.

And on probably the 100th hand, if you don't have a plan, you are sort of always floundering. I'm not saying floundering is necessarily wrong or bad though. That is the essence of me.

On the lunch plate: leftover fish sticks with ketchup dipping, banana, cornflakes

On the dinner plate: Some type of meal box from Taco Bell