Autism?

I had my first existential crisis at the tender age of three. I remember it well. I was thinking of the huge size of the universe and how small each person was (including me). How could we matter at all? How could anything matter? Why were we here? Why could I think? What was I? Was I real? My mom saw that I was in distress. She asked what was wrong. I was able to tell her that I was thinking about how tiny were were compared to the huge universe and then I also realized that I didn't know how there could be a universe and that I didn't know how it could be infinite but if it wasn't how could anything possibly be outside of it. She told me that everyone had to face those thoughts at sometime or another, and that has stuck with me all these years.

Shortly after this incident, I was talking to my grandfather who as babysitting me, and we were talking about gravity. And he said that no one understood it. This sort of freaked me out, because in my mind, if no one understoods it, it could stop existing at any time. No one still really understands gravity all the way, and I still have nightmares about gravity ending.

Recently I have heard of the term existential OCD. It involves basically living in one continual existential crisis. This deep existentialism is considered a sign of autism.

I often wonder if I am dead. This thought was heavy in my head with all of the changes brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other hand, sometimes it is the serendipitous things that continue to drive the crisis. How could I possibly be in this relatively secure relationship with Diana, a person I crushed on before I even met her? How could we possibly have bought a house? Why do financial crises always seem to work out in the end? Yeah, it's tough!

Is there a god? Is there life after death? If science is right, there isn't, but there is so little that science knows. On the other hand, many things seem to work out right scientifically, but maybe it is just an illusion.

I think therefore I am. I love therefore others are. Magic can't be proven. God can't be proven, but there are some odd studies that seem to show magic and god might be more than we think. 

In a completely different vein, I have recently also learned about bottoms-up processing, another sign of autism. This is what I do! With bottoms up processing, it is like every sensory experience is new. You are learning things over and over again. For example, you don't take a glance at an icon on your computer screen and think "What does this look like and what might it do?" based on your previous experience. You say hmmm...this is a black square with a pointy lid. And you go through a complicated thought process comparing that to other things or working out what it is, and maybe not even solving the problem. 

This is also how processes work. Like when I cooking, every single time I cook something it is like I am doing it for the first time. I don't have an overarching plan to follow.

Anyways, if any of you out there are wondering what autism is like for me, deep existentialism and bottoms-up processing are definitely fundamental parts of myself.